CHAPTER NOTES: sorry it's a really short chapter

one month later... October 13th

It's been a month since me and Mattheo had our conversation. It took a while but we managed to put the past behind us now....or thats what i thought. Its been 4 months since everything went downhill between us.....and it's the first time we've  studied together again since then. And if im being honest I couldn't be happier. The other day Profesor Flitwick told the class the we would be having a test on Defensive Charms. After class I while I was packing up my things, I had asked Mattheo if he wanted to study for it together. And so that's how I found myself, looking at the brown haired boy lying on his stomach with notes and his Advanced Charms book. I feel the corners of my mouth turn up as I smile at him. God I missed this.... "so how's things with Pansy?" I ask and his smile starts to falter slightly. 

《♡》

"So hows things with panys?" bella asks. Pansy. Pansy Parkinson. My new girlfriend. Things have been going pretty good between us, and i should probably say that...but the fact that Im with her now makes me think about how things would've been if I had actually started  with dating the girl in front of me..... My smile disapears completely as i say,"Things have been good. Why?" I look up at Bella again seeing her still smiling, God that smile...its so... i feel a tug at my heart as she replys with a shrug "just wondering. You don't talk about her much"

"Y...Yeah you're right, I don't really talk about her much. I guess it's just because things are still so new with us...I don't really know," I lie. I could say that i dont talk much about her because im still hung up on you...but that would be too much to admit to right now.

Im trying to keep this all friendly. All friendly and platonic. Not anything more than that. "well you should take her to hogsmade" She says looking back at her notes "Oh...yeah maybe I will... She actually going to ask me to go with her to the Halloween Masquerade ball coming up. "She's...she's never gotten to go to one before, so she's excited. I can take her to hogsmeade when we're done with all this studying," I reply. The thought of taking Pansy to hogsmeade makes me wonder how the two of us would've been if things really worked out....and i can't help but feel sad again. This could've been us at the masquerade together. Pansy is getting to experience alot of thing that Bella never got to experience. I look up again to see Bella sigh and close her charms notebook and flop onto her bed. she covers her eyes with her arm  she looks so tired right now. She looks like shes might be on the verge of falling asleep. An that makes my  mind wander once again. I remeber all those times when we used to study all night together, and the fact that she was always exhausted by the end. The only difference is.. that i was always there for her. Fuck i really wish i could be the one to cuddle up with her as she lays there exhausted. But instead Imdating Pansy..... The thought of this hurts more than i want it to. 

i glance at Bella again to see if she's still awake. I can that shes starting to nod off now, 'fuck if she falls asleep before I can say anything then i might not get the' chance to say what iwant to.' I look at the clock on the wall again it's already 11:00. Fuck! i don't have much time before she might fall asleep.

"Bella ..?..." Mattheo whispers 

"Mm?"

"Can I ask you something?"

 "Sure" she mumbles "Do you... Do you ever miss us, you know... The way we were together this summer?" shrug "I try not to think about it"  she says I stay silent for a few seconds as i processes what she says. my heart starts to hurt at this, the fact that Bella is trying not to think about it at all tells me that maybe she does but asshamed of it. "i think you should go....Pansy will get worried soon" she whispers  I feel my heart stop when she says I should probably go now, and I feel my face begin to fall. I've been trying so damn hard to suppress my feelings, but hearing her say this really just hurts again.  I feel my grip on my emotions loosen more as i take a deep breath and slowly nod. Fuck' i can't hold back anymore. I feel like I'm  about to lose it emotionally. To be honest i don't know if that's something i should be doing right now, especially since Pansy will be waiting for me. But i don't care anymore. i need to get this off my chest. Im barely able to hold back the tears that fill my eyes as I say "You know.... I honestly really miss it.... I miss us. I really wish things had gone different between us... I wish we were still like that.. Because the way things are now, it's killing me..." I watch her stare off to space my eyes staying locked on hers...watching her and seeing how sad she looks.  “Like i said before i try not to think about it" she finally whispers. It bothers me so much to know that shes trying not to think about it, but i also understand why. But the thought of that still kills me, the thought of her just not thinking about it anymore because I hurt her...that hurts even more.  "Bella.... Can I ask you one last question before I go... And please honestly answer this…" 

“Whats up?” she asks looking up at me  "The night... The night everything went downhill... did you think that I never loved you?"

《♡》

"The night... The night everything went downhill... did you think that I never loved you?" He asks. I-I don't know what to tell him....so many people around me said that the way he looked at me was a look filled with so much love and passion that it could melt a thousand cruel souls. But that night......I....I never felt more alone...I never felt so abandoned and empty. When he said I loved you only a couple hours earlier.....I didn't feel my heart flutter I felt it skip a beat...I hoped and hoped and hoped that he really meant it....but When he said he regretted everything it immediately took everything back. He took his word of love, his kisses, his body, his warmth, he took everything. I tried my hardest that night to desperately cling into some fornof hope that i had that he didnt mean what he said.....but the possibility that he actully meant it was to big. I hear mattheo speak again, ultimately snapping me out of my thougths, "You thought that I never loved you right? Or that I never cared about you? Is that what you thought that night?"

"I-i" fuck I can't tell him....I can't hurt him.....i love him too much to hurt him...lie, I cant hurt him so I lie "no.....i-i never did think that" I whisper. I look up at him and see him smile "Well, I guess I should probably go... Pansy will get worried. Like you said... " I nod feeling a little disappointed "OK bye" He gives me a small smile as he gets up and gets ready to leave. "Bye, I'll see you later then.." He starts to leave the room, but he pauses just as he's passing the door. "Oh, one quick thing before I leave..."

"Mm? He glances back at me before speaking. "Just for the next month, could we study together again like we used to?.. Just like old times....." I smile "Sure....I'd like that". He looks back at me one last time and waves before leaving. I hear his footsteps leave the room, and he is finally gone.