Mattheo

I push open the door of the common room, my mind still a chaotic mess. Thoughts of Lexi and her soft lips and the way her eyes had widened when I leaned over her are racing through my head, making it hard for me to focus on anything else.

I start to make my way towards the boys’ dormitories, trying to push the thoughts away. But they just keep coming, my mind replaying the scene over and over again in a goddamn loop. I grit my teeth, frustration and annoyance coursing through me. Why can’t I just forget about her? Why is she invading my thoughts like a goddamn virus, infecting my every thought and stealing my focus.

I reach the door of my dorm room and push it open, walking inside and shutting it behind me. I close my eyes and lean back against the door, letting out a deep sigh. I need to get a grip on myself, I can’t let her get to me like this. I take a deep breath, trying to calm my racing thoughts. But they just keep swirling, my mind a mess of conflicting emotions. Anger and frustration mix with lust and desire and the urge to just grab her and pull her close. I clench my fists, my nails digging into my palms.

I push away from the door and start pacing back and forth across the room. I need a distraction, something to take my mind off her. But everything reminds me of her, like the stupid armchair in the corner, the one I’d wanted to push her against.

I take another deep breath, trying to slow my racing heart. It’s still beating like a damn drum, the memory of her scent and her skin and her eyes filling my mind and making it impossible to relax. I let out a frustrated growl, rubbing a hand over my face. I need to do something, anything to get her out of my head. I can’t spend every waking moment thinking about her, it’s driving me mad. 

I suddenly remember that I have a pack of cigarettes stashed away in my desk drawer. Perfect. A bit of nicotine will help me to clear my head, to forget about the infuriating girl and her soft lips and her goddamn perfect face. 

I sit down at my desk and open the drawer, rummaging around until I find the pack of cigarettes. I pull one out and place it between my lips, feeling the familiar itch in my fingers as I reach for my wand and summon a small flame to light the tip. I take a deep drag, closing my eyes and letting the smoke fill my lungs.

The nicotine hits me in an instant, like a wave of calm washing over me. My thoughts slow, my mind clearing for the first time in hours. I let out a sigh, feeling the tension start to drain from my body. But even as I feel myself start to relax, my mind still drifts back to her. I can’t help it, her face is seared into my memory, like a permanent tattoo on my goddamn brain. 

I take another drag of my cigarette, trying to forget about her. But her eyes keep popping up in my mind, like a damn kaleidoscope. I can picture them so clearly, the way they’d widened when I leaned over her, the way the light had hit them and made them sparkle. 

I grit my teeth, my grip on the cigarette tightening as I try to push the image away. But it just keeps coming back, over and over again. I can feel my body starting to react, the blood rushing to my groin as I remember how she had looked up at me, her chest rising and falling with each uneven breath. 

I shift in my chair, my jeans suddenly feeling a lot tighter than they had a minute ago. I try to focus on the taste of the cigarette, the smoky, almost sweet flavor of tobacco. But all I can think about is the way her skin had felt under my fingers, the heat of her body as I leaned over her. I take another drag, forcing myself to breathe deeply. But my mind is racing again, the image of her imprinted on the inside of my eyelids. I want her in a way that I’ve never wanted anything before. I can feel the need burning through me, like a fire its out of control.

I take another deep breath, trying to calm myself down. I need to get a damn grip. I can’t let her get to me like this, I can’t let her turn me into a wreck. But the memory of her eyes, her skin, her lips keeps invading my thoughts. I stub out the cigarette in the ashtray on my desk, my hands shaking slightly. The nicotine isn’t enough to calm my racing heart, my racing mind. I need something stronger, something to drown out the thoughts.

I pull open the desk drawer again and rummage around until I find what I’m looking for. A small glass bottle filled with clear liquid. Vodka. I unscrew the cap and take a long swig, feeling the alcohol burn as it slides down my throat.

I grimace at the taste, but the burn is good, it’s distracting. I take another swig, then another, letting the alcohol numb my thoughts and dull my emotions. I need to stop thinking about her, I need to stop wanting her.