Mattheo

It had been a week since the incident in the common room, and to be quite honest, I could NOT get that girl out of my head. It was driving me insane. I’d been trying my best to avoid her, but it seemed like the universe was against me, finding ways to throw her in my path whenever possible. It was like she was everywhere I turned. Walking through the halls, sitting in class, walking through the courtyard, she was like a damn plague. Everywhere I went, there she was, with her pretty eyes and snarky remarks. And to make matters worse, I couldn’t seem to wipe her from my mind. Her face and voice were stuck in my brain, replaying in my head on a constant loop. Her defiant gaze, her snarky remarks, her soft-looking skin, her sweet scent. 

No. No, I was not going to go there. I did not find her attractive. She was a pain in my ass, a plague, a constant annoyance that just wouldn’t go away. And yet, every time I saw her, my eyes would inevitably linger just a little longer. Every time I caught a whiff of her scent, I found myself inhaling a little deeper. And it wasn’t just her looks either, her personality was annoyingly attractive as well. Her confidence, her stubborness, her sassy banter, it was all irritatingly enticing. I found myself drawn to her, like a moth to a flame, despite my best efforts to ignore her. I tried to focus on other things, like my friends and classes, but even then she would somehow make an appearance. Blaise would make a comment about her, or Lorenzo would mention seeing her somewhere, and my mind would instantly flicker back to her, like a damn switch being flipped.

And the dreams weren’t helping either. I’d started having these weird dreams about her, dreams that were vivid and intense. Dreams that made me wake up in a cold sweat, my heart racing and my mind full of her. It was like my subconscious was taunting me, taking the memories of her and turning them into these strange dreams that left me confused and frustrated. I couldn’t understand why I was having these dreams, why my mind insisted on fixating on her. I tried to tell myself that it was just a passing phase, a temporary obsession that would go away eventually. But the more time passed, the harder it became to lie to myself. The more I saw her, the more I thought about her. It was like she was a virus, infecting my mind and my heart. And the worst part was, I couldn’t talk to anyone about it. Blaise and the others would tease me mercilessly if they found out how much she was affecting me. I didn’t want to give them that satisfaction, especially not Blaise. He’d never let me hear the end of it. 

So I had to go through this torture alone. Keeping my thoughts bottled up, my emotions hidden, all while trying to convince myself that she didn’t affect me. That she was just a passing distraction, and nothing more. But deep down, I knew it was a lie. She was so much more than that, and I was struggling to deny it. It wasn’t just a matter of physical attraction anymore, although that was certainly a part of it. I found myself drawn to her, intrigued by her sassy attitude, her confident demeanor, the way she held herself. Even her annoying little habits had become endearing to me, like the way she bit her lip when she was thinking, or the way her nose scrunched up when she was concentrating. The worst part of it all was that I couldn’t even be mad at her anymore. After the first few days, my anger and annoyance had faded, replaced by a mixture of confusion and fascination. I found myself wanting to talk to her, to get to know her, to figure out why she affected me so much.

But at the same time, I couldn’t bring myself to approach her. I was too proud, too stubborn, too damn scared of what I was feeling. What if she rejected me? What if she was disgusted by me? What if she thought I was a creep for secretly watching her all those months? Ugh, this whole situation was a damn mess. I was stuck in this constant loop of denial, frustration, and attraction. And the more I tried to fight it, the stronger the feelings became. I was doomed, cursed to keep these stupid emotions bottled up and suffer in silence.  I tried to distract myself, to focus on other things. But it was no use. My mind kept drifting back to her, my thoughts consumed by her annoying face and irritatingly pretty eyes. Everywhere I went, I found something that reminded me of her. A strand of hair, a certain smell, a sarcastic comment. I was going insane. I needed a solution, a way to get rid of these stupid feelings for her. Maybe if I could find a way to make her hate me, to make myself less attractive to her. But at the same time, the thought of her hating me made me feel sick. I didn’t want her to hate me, I wanted her to..no, nope, not going there.

Ugh, I needed a drink. Or a smoke. Or both. Anything to take the edge off, to make my mind stop thinking about her for five damn minutes.