Mattheo

I watch Lexi from across the room, frustration building inside me. She's been avoiding me for days now, and I have no idea why. Every time I try to talk to her, she finds some excuse to get away or brushes me off quickly. I thought things were going good between us, but now it feels like she's shutting me out completely. It's starting to get on my nerves. I know she's been through some stuff, and I want to be there for her, but how can I when she won't even let me near her? I spot her talking to some of her friends, laughing and joking around, and my irritation grows. Why can she act normal around them but not around me? I start walking over to her, determined to get some answers. But as soon as she sees me approaching, her smile drops, and she starts looking for an escape route. I see it happen, and my irritation turns to anger. She's acting like a scared rabbit, trying to run away from me like I'm some kind of predator. I can't take this anymore. As I get closer, she makes a flimsy excuse to her friends about needing to go to the library, and quickly walks off in the opposite direction. I grit my teeth, wanting to grab her and shake some sense into her. But I take a deep breath instead, reminding myself that she's been through a lot, and this behavior is probably just a result of that. Still, it doesn't make it any less infuriating. I follow her down the hallway, determined to get her to talk to me this time. But when I catch up to her, she starts speeding up, trying to outpace me. I quicken my own steps, keeping pace with her easily. I can tell she's getting irritated too, like she can't stand the fact that I'm not letting her escape. Good, maybe that will force her to face me instead of running away every time I approach her.

When we reach a deserted corner of the hallway, I reach out and grab her arm, stopping her in her tracks. She flinches at my touch, pulling her arm away from me and taking a step back. Her eyes dart around, looking for a way out, but I block her path, trapping her in the corner. She looks up at me warily, her expression guarded. "What do you want, Mattheo?" she snaps, her tone cold and defensive. I resist the urge to roll my eyes. Even when she's backed into a corner, she still tries to act tough.  "I want to talk to you, You've been avoiding me for days now, and I want to know why." She crosses her arms, looking anywhere but at me. "I haven't been avoiding you," she mutters, her voice soft but stubbornly defensive. I scoff, rolling my eyes for real this time. Does she really think I'm stupid enough to believe that? "Don't bullshit me," I say, my voice rising slightly. "You've been dodging me every time I try to talk to you, making excuses and avoiding me at all costs. So stop lying and tell me what's going on." She  looks at me with a look that I can only describe as just drop it, her voice is distant and cool "I've just been busy, I've got a lot going on, you know?" I frown at her dismissive tone, irritation flaring inside me again. It's obvious she's lying, and the fact that she thinks she can brush me off like this pisses me off. I take another step closer to her, my voice rising again. "Bullshit. You've been avoiding me, and I want to know why. Stop giving me excuses and tell me the truth." Lexi looks up at me defiantly, her arms crossing over her chest. "Why does it matter?" she snaps, "Why do you care if I avoid you? It's none of your business." I let out a laugh, "None of my business?" I repeat, disbelief in my voice. "Of course, it's my business. We're...whatever we are, and you're acting like I don't exist. That makes it my business." I take another step towards her, even more closing the gap between us. 

She steps back, her back hitting the wall as I press closer to her. I can see a flash of nervousness in her eyes, but she quickly tries to hide it, her expression hardening again. "You're making a big deal out of nothing," she mutters, "I just don't feel like talking to you right now, alright?" I can feel my patience slipping, my frustration getting the better of me. "That's bullshit," I snap, my voice raising. "You're not just avoiding me, you're acting like I'm some kind of plague that you don't want to be near. And I have a right to know why." Her gaze drops to the floor again, and she doesn't respond. I can see her jaw clenching, like she's biting back a retort. I wait for a few moments, hoping she'll finally drop the act and just talk to me. But when she doesn't say anything, I feel my frustration boil over. I slam my fist into the wall next to her head, making her jump. "Goddamn it, just talk to me!" I yell, my temper snapping. "Stop acting like a stubborn child and just tell me what's wrong!" I feel my stomach drop my anger falters at the sight of her wide eyes, her face pale and frightened. I immediately regret scaring her like that, but the frustration and confusion are still coursing through me. Her body is tense, and I can see the quick rise and fall of her chest as her breathing becomes more rapid. The fear in her eyes is unmistakable, but instead of making me feel guilty, it just pisses me off even more. I can't stop the next words that come out of my mouth. "Fear is good," I snarl, leaning closer to her. "It means you know I'm not joking anymore. So stop playing mind games and just tell me why you've been avoiding me!" She stares at me, her eyes wide and vulnerable, and something in me twists at the sight. But I push it down, refusing to give in to the part of me that wants to comfort her. I need answers, and I'm not leaving until I get them.

I want to shake her, to make her stop hiding behind her walls and just talk to me. I lean in closer, my face mere inches from hers. "I'm done playing games, Lexi," I say, my voice dropping to a dangerous murmur. "I want to know what's going on with you, and I want to know now. Are you going to tell me, or do I have to force it out of you?" There's a small part of me that knows I've gone too far, that I'm scaring her more than I intended. I don't want to hurt her, but my frustration is too much to contain, and I don't know how to rein it in. I watch as she opens her mouth to speak but nothing comes out. I can feel the fear radiating off of her, and a part of me feels guilty for scaring her. But the anger and hurt I've been feeling are still too strong. "Talk to me," I demand again, my voice softer this time but still firm. "You've been avoiding me for days now. Why?" She remains silent, her eyes still wide and fearful. I can see her mind racing, the gears turning behind her eyes as she tries to come up with a convincing lie. But I can also see the fear and vulnerability there, the way she's trembling under my gaze. I know I'm getting to her, and I push harder. I brush my thumb along her jawline, a gentle but possessive touch, trying to get her to open up to me. "Please," I say, my voice gruff but pleading. "Just talk to me. Whatever it is, I promise I'll understand. But you have to talk to me.

"i-i" She whispers. I lean closer, straining to hear her whisper, my face so close to hers that I can see every fleck of color in her eyes. "Go on," I say, my voice quieter now, coaxing. "You can tell me." She hesitates, her lips trembling as she tries to force the words out. I wait patiently, my touch still gentle as I trace her jawline. I can see the fear and uncertainty in her eyes, but I don't relent. I need her to talk to me, to let me in. Finally, she takes a shaky breath and speaks, her voice barely above a whisper. "I-I can't do this...I can't. I'm scared, Mattheo." I frown at her words, my heart clenching at the fear in her voice. "Scared of what?" I ask, my thumb still stroking her jawline soothingly. She looks up at me, her eyes swimming with unshed tears. "Of this," she says, her voice cracking. "Of...Of us. Of you. Of getting hurt again." I freeze at her words, my heart clenching in my chest. I had a feeling this was what she was scared of, but hearing her admit it still feels like a gut punch. I pull her closer to me, wrapping my arms around her in a protective embrace. "Lexi..." I say quietly, my voice filled with pain and sympathy. "I know you've been hurt before. I know Cormic did a number on you. But I'm not him. I would never hurt you like that. You have to trust me, sweetheart."  She clings to me, her body shaking with suppressed sobs. "I want to trust you," she whispers into my chest. "I do. But I'm just so scared. I don't want to get hurt again." 

I hold her tighter, my heart aching at her words. I want to reassure her, to make her believe that I would never hurt her. But I know it's not that simple. Trust is a fragile thing, and it's been bruised and broken for her. It's going to take time and patience to repair those wounds. "I know, sweetheart," I say quietly, my lips brushing the top of her head. "I know you're scared, and I don't blame you. But please, believe me when I say that I would never hurt you like that. I care about you, Lexi. More than I've ever cared about anyone before. Can you understand that?"

"No" She whispers. I frown, my fingers tangling in her hair. "No?" I ask, my voice slightly hoarse with surprise. "What do you mean, 'no'?" 

"For the longest time you....treated me like i was just some dumb person. Theodors' twin sister that, was a menace.  You hated me....you, you considerded me to be your fucking worst nightmere......then you have sex with me a couple times and your all lovely, possesive, like whatever you did in the weeks leading up to that was nothing"  I flinch at her words, guilt and shame flooding through me. She's right, I did used to hate her, and I did treat her like crap. But that was before...before she became so important to me. But she doesn't know that. And how can I possibly tell her that I started falling for her before I even realized it myself? How can I make her understand that all that shitty behaviour was just a shitty defense mechanism because I didn't want to admit my feelings? I take a deep breath, trying to form the words to explain. "Lexi, you...You're right," I say quietly. "I did treat you like crap. But...But that was before I got to know you, before I really saw you. Before I fell for you." I cup her face in my hands, forcing her to look at me. She looks at me with tears "Mattheo that sounds like your sterotypical fucking....god! i don't know textbook"  I flinch again, her bitter tone cutting through me like a knife. I know what she's thinking - that I'm just spitting out cliche lines to get her to forgive me, that I don't really mean it. But I do. I just don't know how to make her see that. I'm not used to being this vulnerable, this open about my feelings. And I'm scared that I'm going to say the wrong thing and make her push me away even more. 

I take another deep breath, desperation building inside me. "Lexi, please," I say, my voice rough with emotion. "Listen to me. I know I messed up. I know I hurt you, and I know I can't take it back. But I need you to understand that it was just me being stupid and scared. I was afraid to admit how I felt about you, and I lash out because of it. I didn't actually hate you, I never did." I look into her eyes, pleading with her to believe me. "Lexi, please...Please believe me. I'm not just saying these things to make you feel better. I...I care about you more than you know. I don't want to lose you." I pull her closer to me again, wrapping my arms around her.  "But what does that mean for me then? If you can't admit your feelings and we go into a relationship or whatever, are you going to take it out on me every time? Because Mattheo i can't do that.... " I wince at her words, knowing that she's right. I can't promise her that I won't screw up again, that I won't lash out when I'm scared or angry. I'm not perfect, and I have a bad temper. But I can't lose her either, I can't. 

"What us? Mattheo.....i'm just someone you hooked up with a couple times....i thought that was all it was going to be"  I flinch at her words, my chest tightening painfully. Is that really all she thinks this is? Just some casual, meaningless fling? But it's so much more than that to me...isn't it to her, too? Can't she see the way I look at her, the way I feel about her? How she drives me crazy and fills my thoughts day and night?

"I'm scared Mattheo....I really am" I cup her face in my hands again, my thumbs gently stroking her cheeks. "I know you are," I say softly, my voice gentler now. "And I don't blame you. Your last relationship was hell, and I know you're scared to go through that again." I lean my forehead against hers, our breath mingling between us before pulling back "But I'm not Cormic," I say, my eyes locked onto hers. "I would never cheat on you, never hurt you the way he did. I care about you, Lexi. I lo...I care about you a lot." I falter on the words I want to say, afraid that if I say them she'll run away again. I take a deep breath, summoning up all the courage I have. "I...I want to be with you. For real. Not just some casual fling, but as my girlfriend. I want to be the one who makes you smile and laugh and feel safe. I want to be the one you turn to when you're sad or scared, the one who's there for you through all the good and bad stuff. I...I want to be your person." I look at her, my eyes pleading for her to believe me. Lexi was quiet for a moment, studying my face. I could see the fear and uncertainty in her eyes, but there was something else there too. Something that looked a lot like hope. Please, please, believe me, I silently begged her. Please give me a chance.