The Hogwarts Entertainment Magazine: Issue #9
A Magazine Suitable for all students; this fortnightly school newspaper contains all the best ways to entertain Hogwarts Students, from tempting recipes to amusing columns, there's something for everyone! This issue features two new columns that are bound to interest you, some great recipes that will urge you to get cooking and more!
Last Updated
05/31/21
Chapters
29
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1,124
Entertainment Section:
Chapter 28
-Entertainment Section-
This section is a wonderfully entertaining jumble of things put together to hopefully amuse readers, containing Harry Potter jokes, funny columns, memes and more - there are changes made each week so that's why this introduction lacks a list. The writers for this section are:
Grace Waterson
Lilia Le Fay
Lexi Horst
Charlotte August Lovelace
Danielle Lahey
Entertainment Column 1: Painful Recollections of a Crazy Childhood
The Day of Disasters
(written by Lilia Le Fay)
When I was around nine, living on the outskirts of an incredibly small-scale English country town, the arrival of a new set of neighbours started a craze for me and my siblings that spanned three years, and that craze was den-building. You see, the new neighbours consisted of nine children, four of which were close to the ages of my three siblings and I, and, upon taking them down to a nearby area of woodland named simply ''The Heath'', they expressed excitement to construct various dens out of the large array of wood there that was perfect for the task. And so we built dens that we further extended and added to later all over this area of woodland and created a 'gang', getting other friends along as well. The Heath became a place where not only could we just have a laugh with our mates, but also have a go at being survival professionals for the day - not that we did very well at the latter. I don't think you'd call giving your friend food poisoning from undercooked potato professional - nor was seeing what would happen to earthworms if they were held in a fiery blaze long enough - and cooking pot noodle over a fire wasn't the most resourceful. Still, we had fun.
As the intro paragraph implies, this column is centred around a day of escapades involving The Heath and our dens there. In this piece of writing, I shall recall a day of disaster and hilarity for ‘The Gang' in which several things went wrong in the space of one day out!
The day started off with everyone meeting up on one of the lanes nearby and walking a quarter of a mile to get to the Heath. Once there, we visited various dens, resisted the urge to open the marshmallows, started a fire and then began chopping wood and gathering materials to begin building new developments for a den that my brother Rory had planned. In total, there were eight of us there - two of the neighbours, Molly and Peter, a friend of my brother Rory's, Dan, myself, my two sisters and brother, and my best friend, Sisa. Now it was halfway through gathering fern for a new roof that Sisa and I decided to sneak off and 'explore', heading for an area where the surroundings were distinctly swamp-like. It was okay to navigate if you were being careful and weren't stupid, however, unfortunately, ten year olds aren't particularly careful or clever.
Disaster number one of the day was when Sisa decided to try and jump an incredibly boggy piece of ground and didn't quite make it - landing in the centre, in fact, and promptly lodging herself in the deep mud there. She then panicked whilst I, ever helpful, sat back and laughed, and proceeded to, in an attempt to dislodge her foot from the mud, stumble in her socks through the mud and fall over to land face first in the mud, leaving her boots behind. The boots were so stuck in the mud they had been left behind whilst she went flying from the sudden force and landed on her stomach in the mud, face down - and when I say face down, I'm not kidding - her whole face was literally covered in mud. Then it was time for me to restrain my hysteric laughter and help her up and out of the mud before rescuing her boots and falling to the ground laughing again whilst Sisa glared at me, covered head to foot in mud.
Funnily enough, disaster number two also involved Sisa. Returning back to our base camp with her covered in mud, she and I promptly attempted to clean her up a bit and were wandering around the camp as we did so, not really looking where we were going. And this, of course, lead to Sisa falling through the roof of one of our dens.
That may sound very bizarre and completely impossible, so I shall elaborate further. You see, my brother and his two friends, Dan and Peter, had been working on a dugout; digging a wide, deep trench into a high bank and planning to put a roof over the top of this structure. That morning they'd finished the roof, placing long poles of birch wood they'd cut down across the dugout to form the rafters and then gathering fern and foliage to form the thatch. Dan also had the bright idea to stick a load of mud and sand over the top of the roof to 'make it waterproof', so in the end it became more of a pit trap than a dugout. And Sisa, who was concentrating more on trying to get dried mud off her face, just walked into the trap. It was very fast - one minute Sisa was walking upright and brushing mud off her cheeks, the next minute she'd taken a step too far and short down between two of the rafters of the dugout. It was a hilarious process and instead of helping her, everyone began to laugh. The best thing about it, was the fact that in the process of falling through the roof and ending up with her bottom half dangling in the dugout, Sisa had managed to kick Dan, who had been adjusting the roof from below, in the head. Now Dan was the bitter enemy of the gang of girls there (me, Sisa, another girl and my two sisters), and we all thought it was hugely funny to hear a sharp thump and see Dan fall sprawling out of the door of the dugout. And so, despite the dugout roof being damaged and Sisa being bruised in several places, her almost knocking our enemy out in the process was a brilliant victory and she was regarded as a hero by all females present.
Disaster number three marked the end of our day at The Heath, though actually we all ended up having fun despite the events being disastrous. It comes in two parts; the first involving fire and the second the fault of water. That gives away basically nothing, so I'll continue rambling and tell you what happened.
Part one of disaster number three involved the roof of one of our dens catching fire. You see, the structure was built halfway into the same bank in which the dugout had been hollowed out, and we'd designed a fireplace and shallow chimney for the den, the chimney set into the bank and diverting smoke to come out of the top of the bank. My older sister and brother had finished designing it that morning, so, whilst they were working on another den, Sisa and I decided to try it out and light a fire in the fireplace. It started off as quite a nice feature over which we toasted cocktail sausages - but then Rory and Rosa, my older siblings, decided to 'spruce it up a little'. And, by 'spruce it up', they meant chuck two whole boxes of firelighters, a box of matches and all our kindling into the blaze and see how big they could get the flames. They were successful in creating an inferno, their additions resulting in flames that were so big they were tall enough to reach out of the chimney. And the flaw in our design was that the chimney was only a few inches from the highly flammable roof of our den.
Of course, it didn't then take long for the roof to start burning and for a delightful bonfire to be created. We then all raced out and tried to think of a way to put out the fire, which wasn't a great threat but we all used as an excuse to look really hardcore. However, a few seconds later it began to pour with rain. And I don't just mean a shower, I mean the heavens opened and we were left to the mercy of the elements, gathering up our stuff and racing to shelter in the dugout whilst the fire was promptly extinguished by the heavy downpour descending from the stormy sky.
And now comes for the second part of disaster number three. It's quite simple, really - we all got absolutely soaked. The roof of the dugout, made of leaves, fern and mud, was not waterproof despite Dan's promises and we were forced to abandon ship, running through the woodland and heading for a nearby bridge where we thought we could shelter. Small problem - the bridge was situated in a slight dip in the lane and of course that meant all the water from the surrounding vicinity began to gather underneath it. So, reaching this barrier of water, we attempted to clear the three-metre stretch of knee-deep water in several different ways varying on our footwear. Those wearing worn-out, crappy trainers simply went for it and ran through the water and got their feet soaked; those wearing sensible boots (basically just Sisa, the sensible one among us for a once) walked through the water with ease; and those wearing new walking boots (my unfortunate brother and the loathed Dan), had to be carried across the water by my older sister. To this day I still don't know how, aged fourteen, she piggybacked two twelve-year-old boys for several metres twice in a row.
And that was the end of the day of disasters - members of our gang got soaked, bruised, kicked in the head and covered in mud and woodsmoke - a lovely day out. But don't get me wrong - we had a bloody awesome time. In the end, the disasters became well-known stories, hilarities told to old friends and quite honestly, the stuff of legend. I doubt any teenager could claim that from a day out in their childhood!
Meme:
Advice Column:
Q: I am unsure of what career I should follow but feel pressured to decide on one. What do I do?
A: First of all, remember that your life is your own to control - it is essential, if you wish to do the right thing, to not let the opinions of others sway you. Obviously taking advice is fine, but make sure that you take your feelings into account more than those of other people. Also, don't rush it - choosing a career is a big decision, especially if it is something more long-term if you get into it, and you should never rush with the decision, even if people are pressuring you. Don't feel that it's necessary to have a career yet, either - just because other people think you must have a career and everything must be outlined specifically doesn't mean it has to be so. In this era, there are many ways of delaying the choice of choosing a career and a lot of people I know are taking part-time jobs so they can do what they want in their free time - a career does not have to be specifically outlined and neither do you need to have one. Just do something you enjoy.
If you feel that choosing a career is a good thing for you but are having trouble finding one suitable for you, then get your ideas together first. Think of things you're good at and then look for jobs in the area that suit you - you'll probably get ideas soon enough. Remember to take into account funds and other areas as well.
Whichever route you decide to take, just don't let people pressure you into it. Your life is yours to live, and even if your choice will disappoint someone, if you know it's best for you then you're making the right choice.
Entertainment Column 2: Funny Instances
I do believe in Fairies! I do, I....don't.
(written by Lexi Horst)
Hey, lovely readers!
So, when I was a small innocent child, I had a friend. We'll call her... Steph. So Steph and I believed in fairies. One day, we found a puffy thing on the ground, and I said, "LOOK! Fairy magic!" and I picked it up. Steph then said, "Hey, we should take turns taking it home!" and I, being the small child I was, agreed. I took it home and showed it to my mom. She then crushed my dreams by telling me it was not fairy magic, but a...
CIGARETTE BUTT.
A FREAKING CIGARETTE BUTT.
~ Fantastic Beast of the Issue - Grindylow ~
This month’s Fantastic Beast of the Issue is none other than the Grindylow; the well-known water demon which is known to be one of many mysterious species inhabiting our very own Black Lake here at Hogwarts! Many people know of them from their attacks on the 1994-1995 Triwizard Tournament Champions Fleur Delacour and Harry Potter in their second task which took place in the Black Lake, forcing Delacour to retire from the task due to the ferocity of their attack. Whilst they typically act negatively and even aggressively towards humans, their Ministry classification is XX - harmless.
Grindylows are small (between 3-5 ft tall) and pale green in colour, with horns on their heads and green teeth. They have very long and strong fingers which are used to attack and strangle their prey, as they have an incredibly powerful grip. These fingers, however, are very brittle and so relatively easy to break.
Grindylows are found at the bottom of lakes in Great Britain and Ireland (such as the Black Lake at Hogwarts) and they mostly live off fish, algae and small sea creatures. They have been known to eat humans, though they haven’t done in a very long time. However, they are still very aggressive towards people, witches, wizards and muggles alike, though they can be tamed by merpeople; the half-fishbeings keeping them as pets.The last recorded mauling by a Grindylow was in 1679, when a Grindylow colony attacked a magizoologist who had been continually harassing them for quite some time. However, the fact that they do very occasionally eat humans gained them the title of being “dark creatures”.
Grindylows do have some magical powers, although they don’t use them often - it tends to be only when they are angry or agitated. They create yellow-white coloured sparks which they use to move objects, kill prey and distract humans, and they can sometimes be used as a warning signal to the rest of the colony that a human is near.
Entertainment Column 3: Latest in Harry Potter News
May 2016
(Danielle Lahey)
There is no denying that 2016 has proved itself to be a Potter filled year. With multiple announcements of new installments to the Harry Potter world, fans are anticipated for their release. It may be difficult to tell whether the information you read online in regards to Harry Potter news is actually true or not. My job is to keep you up to date on verified and accurate information happening in the Harry Potter World.
Our first topic for today is something you have probably already heard of: Harry Potter and the Cursed Child. Most of you may know that the Cursed Child is a play that will be presented in two parts and performed in London. The first show is set to premiere on July 30, 2016. The Cursed Child is not actually a prequel to the Harry Potter series, but it is actually the eighth installment to the series. But the play takes place years after the Battle of Hogwarts, which we saw in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Contradicting popular opinion, Harry Potter and the Cursed Child was not written by J.K. Rowling herself. Rowling did collaborate in the making, but she is only co-producing the play along with former theater producers Sonia Friedman and Colin Callender. The actually play was written by Jack Thorne and it will be directed by John Tiffany.
The leading cast includes Jamie Parker as Harry Potter, Paul Thornley as Ronald Weasley, and Noma Dumezweni as Hermione Granger. There were mixed reviews on the casting, most prominently the actress choice for the role of Hermione. Although I will not be going too in depth about what exactly was being debated, please feel free to do some additional research to satisfy your curiosity.
An announcement was made a few months ago that Harry Potter and the Cursed Child would be published as a script to be released in book form on July 31, 2016. Many people think that this published script is actually a book. That is not in fact true. There is an immense difference between a published book and a script. The most notable difference being that a script only has dialogue and blocking*. A book has all of this and also thoughts of a particular character(s) and descriptive details. Be sure you know that the published script of Harry Potter and the Cursed Child will not look like the other Harry Potter books you have read in the past.
Below is the official summary for the Harry Potter and the Cursed Child play. Hopefully it will compel you enough to go watch the play and/or buy the published script!
“It was always difficult being Harry Potter and it isn’t much easier now that he is an overworked employee of the Ministry of Magic, a husband and father of three school-age children.
While Harry grapples with a past that refuses to stay where it belongs, his youngest son Albus must struggle with the weight of a family legacy he never wanted. As past and present fuse ominously, both father and son learn the uncomfortable truth: sometimes, darkness comes from unexpected places.”
The next topic to be covered is something you actually may or may not have heard of, depending on where you live: The Wizarding World of Harry Potter in Los Angeles! If you do not know, Los Angeles is a popular city in California, which is a state in the United States of America. The Wizarding World is a theme park with the overall theme of Harry Potter. The park already opened its gates last month, on April 7, 2016. With multiple rides, a Gringotts replica, and an actual Diagon Alley, the park received positive reviews. Visitors are more than satisfied with their experience and many say that they will return to the park again in the near future. With summer slowly inching forward, definitely add The Wizarding World of Harry Potter to your list of vacation destinations!
That’s all I have for you on the latest Harry Potter news for this issue of the Hogwarts Entertainment Magazine. I hope this article was useful and see you all next issue!
*blocking - the set of instructions that tells each actor where to be at any given moment of the play
~ Harry Potter Character(s!) of the Issue: Fred and George Weasley ~
This issue we feature the troublesome duo who captured the hearts of many a Harry Potter fan with their funny pranks, witty comments and great sense of humour. Always on hand to diffuse the tension and cheer Harry up, the Harry Potter franchise simply wouldn’t have been the same without Fred and George Weasley!
The twins were born on April 1st 1978 to Molly and Arthur Weasley, the younger brothers of Bill, Charlie and Percy and later the older brothers of Ron and Ginny. They are identical twins, with the typical Weasley flaming red hair, freckles and mischievous grins, and only the observant can tell them apart. (For the record, George is slightly taller and Fred’s nose points slightly up whereas George’s points downwards).
Fred and George joined Hogwarts in September 1989 and were sorted into Gryffindor like the rest of their family, where they immediately started to gain a reputation for pushing their limits and landing themselves in numerous detentions! It was during one of these detentions when they discovered the Marauders’ Map; a map created by a group of Gryffindor boys not unlike themselves. The map went on to become “the secret of our success” and they passed it down to Harry during their fifth year.
These two certainly had some very notable moments throughout their school life, from being Beaters on the Gryffindor Quidditch team and helping them win the Quidditch Cup in their fifth year to attempting to cross the notorious Goblet of Fire age-line in their sixth year and many more. They even left the school in a blaze of glory; turning one of the Hogwarts corridors into a swamp before making a grand exit on their brooms towards the end of their seventh year. After leaving education, the two set up a shop at 93, Diagon Alley, named “Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes”.
Both twins were strong supporters of the Order of the Phoenix and fought fearlessly both at the Battle of Hogwarts and at various occasions beforehand. Sadly, Fred was killed in an explosion at the Battle of Hogwarts on May 2nd 1998 after fighting heroically for his cause.
George continued to run Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes after Fred’s death, with the help of his younger brother Ron, and it remains an extremely successful business to this day. George now lives with his wife Angelina Weasley (née Johnson) and two children, Fred and Roxanne, and enjoys getting up to nuisance with his children and many nieces and nephews!
~~GOSSIP COLUMN~~
(written by Charlotte August Lovelace)
Pureblood Fanatics gone wrong!
Certain purebloods in the school seem to have gone a bit crazy in the head. Yes, I know; I’m in shock too! According to our sources, they had a pool party where they played with muggles, and even controlled muggles to go against their own kind, for the sake of “fun”. Looks like they have a very different definition of fun...
The said muggles roamed around causing chaos on the muggle world. Other witches and wizards have reported seeing these unusual muggles moving around “like soulless creatures”, and one wizard has reported that some of these controlled muggles were captured. While some were sent to jail, some were sent to priests in an attempt to “rid them of evil”; muggles have apparently believed these people were possessed by evil spirits. The wizards and witches controlling them were certainly having quite a laugh at letting the poor muggles believe they were indeed possessed.
It is thought that the purebloods controlled them with the Imperio curse, which we all know is an Unforgivable Curse and will result to a lifetime in Azkaban. It’s as bad as using ‘Avada Kedavra’ and ‘Crucio’ on the poor human subjects.
Unfortunately, my informer declines to name the said party-goers. We have been informed, however, that the group will arrive in the wizarding world on May 13. Party people, better watch out now. Aurors will surely escort you to Azkaban.
The Ministry is now questioning the whereabouts of these witches and wizards. Those who know things about these witches and wizards are required to step up and spill it. Those who don’t will be considered accomplices and will receive the same punishment as those responsible.
TUNE IN FOR THE NEXT VOLUME: WILL THE MINISTRY ALLOW SUCH TO CONTINUE? AN OFFICIAL INTERVIEW FROM THE MINISTER.
The Life Story of Tem
Everyone knows her of course! It’s Temmie Da Tem!
Quick history, she’s a girl like the other Temz! But not Bob. But we don’t know Bob, and he’s not our topic, so we’re going back to Temz!
She works hard to go to college. Aww, sweet cat. And due to her hard work, she has her very own shop; Tem Shop where they sell Temmie Flakez that only she eats! Temmie Flakez aren’t very delicious, if you’ll ask me. Too dry. But she loves that. (No, don’t ask me if I ate cat food). Why not try Whiskas, Tem? She also likes dog residues. In other words, dog poop. Kinda gross, but you’re still fluffy and cute Tem!
And according to legend, ehem, to her story, a human once came across her shop and helped her go to college! But she hates that human. That human is strange, according to her. The human tried to mix Tem with cats and dogs! Horrifying, right? All because the human is allergic to Tem! Temmie is sensitive with crowds.
We also have news that too much Temmie Flakez can cause enlargement of muscles, so those who wish to rawwrr, I mean, impress their girls, visit the Tem Shop!
OR
Temmie, a female house cat, was involved in a incredible accident in her owner’s potion shop, where she was given the power of human speech and intelligence.
Tem was send to collage by her curious owners, and she worked very hard, graduating with honors, and going on to start her own shop; Tem Shop. Tem Shop offers many flavors of healthy, delicious feline food, taste tested by Tem herself. Her newest concoction, Temmie Flakez, is proving extremely popular and is rumored to cause enlargement of muscles if eaten too much. (although Tem denies any such effects) Temmie is now very happy, remarking to me in our interview, “Everyone has been so nice to me since my accident, my life really couldn’t get any better” Tem’s business is going very well, (drawing many curious tourists) and we wish her the best of luck with her future endeavours.
A Hufflepuff with Slytherin Roots
A certain witch, (we’re not revealing her name) has been sorted to Slytherin. It wasn’t a surprise as we have evidence leading us to believe she hails from a long line of Slytherins. Our Genealogy team has recently discovered a tapestry of her family lines somewhere and we have traced it to a very famous wizard. The peculiar thing is, she has a heart of a Hufflepuff. Who would’ve guessed such two opposite houses could be combined in one living body.
She grew up living the life of a muggle, ignoring the traditional pureblood life to the extent of having a muggle boyfriend. This caused us to think, are wizards ready to live side by side with muggles? Are the purebloods ready the break the tradition? That is a scope I would be covering for the next issue, but for now, let’s go back to our main story.
News also came to us that she has become a HeadGirl. We’re not stating the subject though, as our perpetrator wishes to remain incognito. Again, kudos and may the best luck be with you.
TUNE IN NEXT TIME. MORE GOSSIPS. MORE FIERY COMMENTS. MORE HOT SEATS.
Again, may I remind people not to send their owls or eagles OR DRAGONS to gobble me up. Thank you.
~ Wizarding War Families ~
(Lilia Le Fay)
It's a well known fact that the Weasley Clan is a large one, and many members are featured frequently in the tabloids, but many forget Charlie Weasley; the forty-four year old Magical Creatures researcher. Charlie has been working abroad for the past sixteen years and returned to the UK this month, where he was immediately swarmed with interview requests from the media. This large number of requests included one from us, which we are delighted to say was accepted, and today we are proud to display the details we received from a short interview with the wizarding war hero.
With six sets of nieces and nephews, as well as the mostly immature (meaning the one and only George Weasley) elders, family gatherings can get a bit hectic. Charlie, however, says that, though the atmosphere will always be somewhat chaotic, attending a Weasley gathering would be a night to remember, and he adores the entirety of his large family.
Charlie Weasley is still single himself, though there were rumours he was dating his sister-in-law's sibling, Gabrielle Delacour, a few months back. When the question of whether he thinks he will ever settle down and have children was put to him, he gave us this answer:
''I can't see myself having children - the responsibility wouldn't suit me and Merlin knows I have enough family as it is. My nephews and nieces are great but tough to handle and, though I'm perfectly happy to run around and generally go mad with them, I don't think I'd ever want the responsibility of having a child of my own.''
Charlie's extended family mounts up to four brothers, one sister, four sister-in-laws, one brother-in-law, his parents and twelve nieces and nephews, whom he sees regularly now that he is working on a research program in Wales. Although not much information could be given, Charlie stated that sightings of a possibly new kind of Dragon had been reported in the mountains of Northern Wales, and that he is involved in investigating the reports. We asked him how it was living in the UK again after having worked abroad from 2000 up until early May this year:
''It took a while to adjust to - when you're used to travelling around constantly it's weird to stay in the same place for a large period of time, but it was actually nice when I got used to it. It's great to be able to see my parents and other family members on a regular basis.''
There have been rumours that, he may be offered the position of Care of Magical Creatures Professor at Hogwarts as he is now a fully-qualified scholar in that area, having studied part-time in Chicago for several years. Since the research project in North Wales will only last a few months, everyone was keen to know what he was planning on doing next and whether he would accept the job if asked. We put this question to him and he answered:
''I'm not sure where I'm going to head after this - I'll just see what comes up and wing it. That’s pretty much what I’ve been doing all my life, and things have been great so far! I believe I will be staying in the UK for now, though, as I have missed my family and wish to be closer to my nephews and nieces, not to mention my parents and many siblings. As for the possibility of teaching, well, I'm not sure what my answer would be if the position was offered to me. You'll just have to wait and see!''
And so we shall! Look to here for more updates on Charlie's Progress in the research program, the details of which are soon to be revealed, and to find out whether the job is offered to him!
It must be true - I read it in the tabloids...
(Lilia Le Fay)
Wendy Mires, aged eight-and-a-half years old, has recently been the subject of many magazine articles and has been hounded by paparazzi for several weeks for a bizarre reason - her skin is now a bright shade of emerald-green! Mires has been nicknamed ''The Real Elphaba'' and ''The Young Wicked Witch of the West'' due to her entire body being coloured this way. This began three weeks ago when, in an unfortunate accident, she was covered in the remnants of an experimental potion brewed by her babysitter, Netta Carmichael. It seems nothing can be done to remove Wendy's strange new skin condition, but the little girl has embraced her new look in retaliation and claims that she actually loves the Wizard of Oz-themed nicknames. Her Godfather and friend of the family, George Weasley, has also done a lot to support her and rebel against the media, creating a potion that temporarily gives you the “Wicked Witch of the West” look. This product has triggered a sweeping fashion that is fast gaining pace, and Mr Weasley himself frequently takes the potion and turns bright green himself to support his goddaughter.
Quiz:
This Issue's quiz will certainly suit the Pretty Little Liars fans out there! Click on the link below to fill out a quiz that will tell you which character you are from the Freeform teen drama. So, which Pretty Little Liar are you?
Link to Quiz:http://www.zimbio.com/quiz/LVOuSY8AoA1/Pretty+Little+Liars+Character
That's all for this Issue's entertainment section! Read next time for more amusing presentations!
