Entertainment Column 3: Painful Recollections of a Crazy Childhood

The Police Phone Call

(written by Lilia Le Fay)

This story's definitely an embarrassing one and wasn't actually regarded as funny when it took place, but myself and my friend now find it hilarious and I hope this recount of it will at least mildly amuse you.

So it happened when my two friends Lauren and Sisa were staying over, because it was the last night in my old house before my family and I moved away. Since we were sleeping in tents that night and had been guzzling toasted marshmallows all evening, things were bound to get a little crazy. And, with the addition of my older brother, Rory, and my little sister, Poppy, to the group, they did.

It was about nine o'clock in the evening when we started making prank calls. We had all just finished eating the last of the treacle tart pudding and Rory, the mastermind behind the entire operation, got up, went out of the room and came back with the phone. He then proceeded to place it in the middle of the table in front of us and say with a grin and a nod to the item, knowing of our previous bouts of prank calling; “Go on. I dare you.”

It gradually went further and further as the evening progressed. At first we just typed in random numbers and let people get confused. They’d call down the phone to see if anyone was on the other end whilst we sat there silently killing ourselves laughing. Then it went up a level and we started to enquire after made-up people with innocence whilst those who were not calling fell about laughing (“Hello? Hello - is Mary there? What? Oh - sorry, I must have got the wrong number”). At one point I think we called someone up asking for ’Maddy’ and there actually was a ‘Maddy’ there - though before she could be put on the phone, we had hung up, of course. A little later we called the same person twice (by accident) - some Russian guy - and he proceeded to swear at us down the phone as he realised what we were up to and hung up. However, this didn't put us off at all and, on a sugar high, we continued on our devilish and stupid prank-calling spree.

Rory then came up with a scripted complaint call that amused us all greatly even before it was put to the test, meant as a complete mickey take. It began something like this - “Hello? Is that farm foods? I'm want to complain about the square sausages that I bought from your store the other day” - and continued in the same fashion. And, after several failed attempts at getting it right (me and Sisa couldn’t stop giggling), Lauren took over and managed to make a serious call about ‘Square Sausages’ to some random woman who actually believed it was serious.

A point came at around ten o’clock when Lauren and Poppy thought it was a good idea to stop, but me and Sisa didn't listen and Rory wanted to keep going (though he never made any of the calls himself, just watched with amusement and told us what to say), so we did. And then I managed to accidentally dial one of the desk phones in our town police station.

I recall that I whimpered “I lost my dummy in the park today’ down the phone and presumably the police mistook ‘dummy’ for ‘mummy’, tracing the call back to check. Poppy then picked up the phone, realised it was the police and slammed the phone down - or rather, she told me and I slammed the phone down. Either way, there was nothing we could do to stop them ringing back, which they did continuously for the next few minutes whilst all of us (well, except for Rory, who retreated to his bedroom and said he'd had no part in it) panicked. Eventually, however, Poppy did pick up the phone, and, after running round the house trying to get away from her as she told the officer on the phone that'd I'd handle it, I accepted my fate.

We tried several ways to get around it; crying down the phone, bargaining (“I tell you what - I'll give you my address if you don't tell my parents”) - but in the end I had to convey to Rory in a panicked whisper ‘‘Get Dad! Go on, he'll laugh at it!”. But instead Rory returned from the garden, not with my light hearted, humorous father who had done a lot of that sort of thing in his childhood, but my terrifying and law-abiding mother.

Recollecting the aftermath of that phone call would be unpleasant and not very entertaining (plus I have blocked it in my mind because of the embarrassment of my actions). However, I can tell you that, in the end, the police did not pay a visit to my house to reprimand us, me and Sisa got all the blame, Rory and Dad laughed about it annnnnd my mother slaughtered us verbally.

And so marked the end of prank calling in my house.

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JOKES:

What do you call a potterhead on a horse?

Harry Trotter.

What is the muggle name for Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets?

Barry Snotter and the Chamber of Pizzas.

I named my lizard "Harry" just so I can say "You’re a lizard Harry!"

Voldemort: Why so sirius?

Sirius Black: Why so nosey?

Why did Death Eaters cross the road?

The Dark Lord ordered it.

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Advice Column:

Q.A person who I have regarded as a friend all the time I've known them has just asked me out on a date and I don't know how I feel about them. What should I do?

A. Think about it. You have to realise how you feel about this person, as to make a decision you have to reach a point where you know how you feel about them. Ask your friends what their opinions are and sort out your own opinion and feelings until you think you have made an accurate and fair decision.

What's best, if you don't know by the end of a long reflection on the matter, is to go out in the one first date and see how you feel about them after. Giving it a try is the best way to find out how you feel. Just make sure you don't say yes or no straight away and act rashly - you don't want to land yourself in something you don't want or turn down an offer you later you wish you'd said yes too. As said, you have to take time with making the decision - just make sure you don't take so long that your pursuer gives up hope.

Unfortunately, matters like this do take time and thought. If you have good instincts, act on them, but you'll have to rely on on the judgment of you and others if you are unsure. Whatever happens, just aim to make the right choice for you.

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SCENE:

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– FANTASTIC BEAST OF THE ISSUE –

-Basilisk-

A Basilisk is a magical serpent,  vibrant green  with a scarlet plume* atop its head

An extremely dangerous beast, the Basilisk possesses the extraordinary power of inflicting an instant death upon its victims - that is, if they make the unfortunate mistake of gazing into the serpent’s yellow eyes.** This, and the matter of those poisonous fangs, have given the Basilisk the rather understated rating of XXXXX (extremely dangerous, known wizard killer).

The first known Basilisk was born when Herpo the Foul, a parselmouth, discovered that a chicken egg hatched under a toad would produce this dangerous beast. Breeding Basilisks is highly illegal, and far too dangerous to be bred safely.

Although classified as an XXXXX creature, meaning it is a known wizard-killer that cannot be domesticated due to its immense powers, because the Basilisk is still a serpent, a Parselmouth may place a Basilisk under his or her control. However, this also depends on what the relationship between the Parselmouth and the basilisk is like.

Basilisk venom is a very dangerous substance, known as one of the few substances that can destroy horcruxes. It can still retains its powers for as long as five years after being extracted and objects can be imbued with in, i.e. the Gryffindor sword. The venom is toxic to humans and only has one cure; Phoenix tears, which are considerably rare.

*Female Basilisks lack the scarlet plume that is seen in males.

**However there are known cases of paralyzation rather than death, this happening when the victim looks at the Basilisk indirectly, such as through a ghost or camera, or when you only see the reflection.

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Harry Potter Character of the Issue: Cormac McLaggen

Cormac McLaggen was born in either 1978-79 and was either pureblood or half-blood. It didn't matter either way, as little was known about his childhood. Once he arrived at Hogwarts, he quickly became a good Quidditch player and he played for the Gryffindor team as a Keeper.

Unfortunately, on a dare in his sixth year, he ate a pound of doxy eggs that prevented him from joining the team, something he really cared about. The fact that he was in hospital receiving treatment for eating the doxy eggs, allowed Ron to try out for Keeper instead.

He was invited in his seventh and final year to become a member of the Slug Club. During that year he also tried out for the team again. He only made 4-5 saves, as Hermione placed a Confundus Charm on him, due to him making rude comments about Ron and Ginny. So he did not make the team again, ending his career as Keeper.

For the “Slug Club” Christmas Party, he invited Hermione and she accepted to get back at Ron for dating Lavender Brown. However, she hated it due to his constant talk about himself, which was not her cup of tea.

In March, when Ron got poisoned by Draco Malfoy, Cormac got Keeper position. Harry wasn't happiest but dealt with it.

He had to repeat the following year due to unknown reasons. He later fought in the Battle of Hogwarts.

No more information is known about what happened to him.

-Maria Fell

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The Latest Amusing and Interesting News from the Wizarding World;

It must be true - I read it in the tabloids... (Lilia Le Fay) Seventy year old Vera Marks has become one of the oldest  women to have breast implants after a muggle plastic surgeon misinterpreted her strange and impossible request for him to "give her magic" because of her squib status. Mrs Marks, who suffers from what her muggle GP* calls 'extreme battiness', became convinced that a plastic surgeon could give her magic with all the 'wonderful things' they can do, after seeing a program about them on  Muggle TV. She then presented a local plastic surgeon with a whopping £2000 of muggle money to "give her magic" - as in give her the magical abilities of a witch. The confused and underpaid young surgeon then somehow misinterpreted this as a request for breast implants and now, instead of magical powers, Vera has a pair of double Gs. However, the old woman doesn't seem to have noticed the change and thinks she has been  given magical powers but is not casting spells correctly. We'll leave someone else to tell her, mm?   *GP - Local Doctor

Wizarding War Families: (Grace Waterson) Making my way through the Leaky Cauldron this weekend, I bumped into another of our well known survivors of the War - Ernie MacMillan. Since the end of the War, Ernie has been very successful in his career, gaining a job in Floo Maintenance and consistently receiving hefty promotions, his latest landing him at the spot of Head Of Operational Excellence for the Floo Network nationwide. He has been happily married to Isabel MacMillan (née Jones) for 12 years now, and the couple has recently returned from a holiday to Spain as an anniversary celebration. Isabel graduated from Hogwarts as a Ravenclaw three years after Ernie, before going into work as a Healer. She left a few years later to look after the couple’s first child, Kyle Ernest MacMillan, born in 2004. Kyle has followed in his father’s footsteps by being sorted into Hufflepuff house when he joined Hogwarts last September. In a recent interview after Ernie’s promotion, Isabel admitted that she already misses her son greatly, but she is comforted by her twin daughters - Kyle’s younger sisters - Marie and Annie. The twins had their fifth birthday in March and are absolutely charming and adorable little girls. During our encounter at the Leaky Cauldron, Ernie told me, “I have a great life, and I really couldn’t be happier. I have an excellent job which I have worked hard to achieve, a wonderful wife and three beautiful children who I know will go on to do great things. I think it just goes to show that people can rebuild their lives after War. I mean, of course there are people who both Isabel and I lost to the War, and we still miss them now, but we have managed to carry on with our lives to give our children the best they could ever want.” The MacMillans are an excellent example of a family successfully rebuilding their lives after the war, and I hope that all our other Wizarding War families manage to find some happiness like Ernie has, after the years of horror that they’ve experienced.

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Quiz:

From now on, each version of the Entertainment Section will contain a ‘which character are you?’ quiz for a certain film, franchise, book, or series for readers to fill out if they fancy it. It’s just a bit of fun and if you’re a fan of what it’s from then you’ll probably find you enjoy it!

This Issue we have one for the British Television program Doctor Who so... Which Doctor Who Character Are You?

LINK TO QUIZ:  http://www.playbuzz.com/soulglow410/which-doctor-who-character-are-you

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That's all for this Issue's entertainment section! Read next time for more amusing presentations!