-Entertainment Section-

This section is a wonderfully entertaining jumble of things put together to hopefully amuse readers, containing Harry Potter jokes, funny columns, memes and more - there are changes made each week so that's why this introduction lacks a list. The writers for this section are:

Dean McCormick

Lilia Le Fay

Tabitha Langdale (monthly)

Alyssa Ella Piper

Maria Fell

Entertainment Column 3: Ah, Sweet Memories!

Written by Dean McCormick

CONTINUATION (duh) or Pt. 2. That sounds more official.

Hey, guys! It’s me, your six-hundred and seventy-fourth favorite writer, and I’m back with the continuation of my last column. I’m assuming that if you’re reading this, you have read my previous column, in the first issue of this wonderful magazine. Let’s take a minute to appreciate the effort my fellow writers and of course our editor, Lilia Le Fay, put into it, shall we?

Anyway, if you have not read my first column, I would strongly suggest that you read it now, because if you don’t, this will make absolutely no sense to you. But just in case you’re a lazy, ignorant couch potato like yours truly, I’ll do a little recap.

I had just knocked out my best friend with a swing, and proceeded to (possibly) permanently disable some tendons in the jaw of one rather large, rather...vengeful...fourteen-year-old girl who we will be referring to as “Meatloaf,” because going through the trouble of remembering her actual name would be both effort, which goes against my beliefs, and it would bring back too many painful memories. So, just for fun, we’ll go from roughly fifteen minutes after what I was just talking about.

By then, it was complete and utter chaos. Luckily, and unluckily for some of us, every adult at the party was in Ollie’s basement playing youker and drinking various alcoholic liquids, thus entirely oblivious to the isolated little apocalypse happening in the front yard. And no, I am most certainly not exaggerating. Meatloaf took a little too much offense at my little accident than anyone would feel comfortable about, particularly me. And, to everyone’s horror, she decided that punishment was in order.

Well, not everyone. Most of the kids decided to help her get back at me, either because they were my age and didn’t want to get pulverized alongside me, or they were Meatloaf’s age and thought they’d get a kick out of it. No pun intended.

So basically, Meatloaf and her ten or twelve newly appointed followers had gotten several tools, such as brooms, rakes, and mops, and were now using them as weapons. They would leave two or three to guard their “territory” (the neighbors yard), usually armed with sticks instead of their comrades’ more advanced weaponry. The others would charge Ollie’s yard, stay and fight for a few minutes, and regroup in the neighbor’s yard.

It was a miracle Howard slept through all of this. It was also a miracle me, Ollie, an eleven-year-old, and three other nine-year-olds held out against the attacks for so long with just sticks. Ollie had dug a hole in the ground under the swing, and was using the softer dirt deeper in the ground to make mudballs, which he threw at the attackers. Our routine was basic, but efficient. When Meatloaf and her gang retreated, we would all get on the ground and make mudballs as fast as we could. When they attacked, me, the eleven-year-old, and one of the other nine-year olds fought them head on, while Ollie and another kid threw mudballs, and the other one guarded Howard’s still unconscious form.

We were doing surprisingly well. Ollie has an excellent throwing arm. If he didn’t care enough about his nerd cred, he’d probably play baseball. Meatloaf’s gang was slowly leaving more and more wounded kids with the guards, but we were having the same problem. One of Meatloaf’s cronies got past me and my pseudo-attack force, and dispatched our backup mudball thrower with a mop to the gut. Ollie’s hole got deeper and deeper. Howard’s guard almost lost an eye, but he stayed upright, for the most part. I almost got dragged into enemy territory, but my eleven-year-old saved me, thank god.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. This is getting a little violent, especially for nine-year-olds. You might even say dark. But I encourage you to keep reading. It gets good, if I do say so myself.

What happened next wasn’t a very intelligent decision on my part. But hey, I was only nine.

Meatloaf’s gang had just retreated. Ollie’s backup wasn’t showing any signs of recovery. Ollie himself had gotten shoved in his hole and stepped on (ouch, I know). We were making mudballs for all we were worth.

Then I saw someone come out of the backyard, from the side opposite our enemy’s base. She was one of Meatloaf’s cronies, armed with a rather large rake. She was obviously attempting a sneak attack, and she didn’t know she had been spotted. At least, not until I started running at her with my stick. She ran into the other neighbor’s yard, that was unoccupied. Obviously, I chased her all the way to the center of the lawn. That was when I realized it was a trap.

Three other girls, all armed with brooms and rakes, came at me from all sides. They had been hiding in various hedges around the outskirts of the yard. It was hopeless. I was doomed. I was going to get my righteous beating after all. I had two options. Give up, or stay and give Meatloaf hell while I could. I was about to choose the former when my partner, the ever-faithful nameless eleven-year-old joined me.

We put up an excellent fight for three or four minutes. We had left Ollie with his wounded backup and Howard’s guard. There were still five or six of Meatloaf’s cronies standing, minus the elite squad or whatever that I was in the other yard with. Only half of them were armed, but it was enough. They completely abandoned their base and charged Ollie with everything they had, flooding his yard in a matter of seconds. He didn’t have a chance. My partner tripped one of our attackers onto the concrete driveway so that she fell on her broom, but he got a massive blow to the head for it. I was alone up against two older girls with brooms. Ollie was putting everything he had into throwing his mudballs, but he would be overrun in seconds. There was no hope. we were doomed.

But just then, something happened. Something that no one involved would ever forget. Something that took everyone by surprise. And that something was…

“BANANA!”

Before anyone could even move, Howard was on his feet, screaming like a looney. Well, he is a looney, but that’s not the point. It was truly magnificent. He didn’t even pick up a stick. He charged the closest person, diving at his legs, sending him flying over top of him. Then, next thing you know, he’s on Meatloaf’s back, ripping out her hair with his hands and teeth alike. I couldn’t believe it. Neither could anyone else, really. In seconds, he had Meatloaf on the ground, and two of her cronies were on top of them, trying to subdue the crazed ten-year-old super soldier. And failing miserably. The whole thing was a blur of tangled arms and legs and teeth. Ollie looked just as shocked as I felt, sitting there in his hole, covered in mud. About a minute later, one of Howard’s victims fell out of the fray, covered in bite marks and with considerably less hair.

It was amazing. The two girls were frozen, standing beside me, watching in absolute horror. This gave me just enough time to tackle one of them to the ground, and retrieve my stick. I used it to whack the girl I had just tackled across the face, and move on to fight her partner. It was a fair fight, now. My previous victim crawled over to her sister, who was still groaning in pain, sprawled out in the driveway. By some miracle, I sent her packing. This was probably because she was the youngest of the four, but I’ll not dampen my only moment of glory. I proceeded to drag my fallen comrade to Ollie’s yard.

Oh, if you’re wondering what happened to the first girl, she ran at the first shout of “banana”.

Howard was now using the swing as a weapon, throwing the seat at people’s faces. It was awesome. I wish I had caught it on video so badly. Ollie didn’t even bother to get out of his hole. I know I wouldn’t have.

After almost five minutes, there were three virtually unconscious bodies, one definitely unconscious, and one mewling pathetically behind a bush, nursing all the places he had been bitten. Ollie was still in his hole, with Howard’s guard looking over his shoulder in amazement. And then there was Howard, standing in the middle of it all, breathing heavily.

And then something else happened that no one was expecting.

Crack!

Meatloaf stood over Howard’s once again unconscious body with a rock in her hands, covered in bloody scratches and bite marks, her hair and clothes in tatters. She looked down at Howard with wide eyes, and then she looked at me. I almost felt bad for her. There was insanity in those eyes, and trust me, I know what it looks like.

Then she dropped the rock and ran home as fast as she could. Neither me, Ollie, or Howard ever saw her again. And to this day, Howard remembers none of this.

Ah, yes. I should probably say that when Ollie’s mother opened the front door and saw everything, she screamed. Oh, she screamed all right. But she definitely didn’t scream “banana.”

Entertainment Column Two: Funny Instances 

(Written by Lilia Le Fay)

Always beware of Nettles – a very true story.

So, this is a short one, and
it may not entertain you, but I was non-stop laughing at the time. Here goes….

My Dad and I were walking through these gardens one evening, talking
about the stars and admiring the unpolluted, midnight black sky that was
scattered with stars. It was dark and the path was unlit; a tarmac track down a
hill and past some trees that then went on the flat between flower borders. It
was very peaceful, Dad asking me where every constellation was and me
attempting to answer with my basic understanding of Astronomy. After only
pointing out three constellations to my Dad, he decided to direct me to another
one, a constellation of his own creation – “Rodney’s Cow.”

Apparently he’d seen it over a place called ‘Rodney’s Butcher’ about ten
years ago and because it looked like a cow (clue is in the name), he titled it
‘Rodney’s Cow’ – despite it being over a butchers
shop. I know. Ironic, isn’t it?

So, whilst we were arguing about Rodney’s Cow, the path was winding down
on the flat and we were both staring up at the sky and talking. Neither of us
were looking where we were going.

Suddenly Dad was there, protesting that Rodney’s Cow did actually look
like a cow when all of a sudden – he was gone. There was an ‘oof’ and the sound
of twigs breaking and I looked down to see Dad had fallen face first into a
flowerbed. Well, not just a flowerbed. More like a nettle bed.

I was laughing so much as he turned over, looking like a horrifying
sleeping beauty in a bed of nettles with white lumps from nettle stings all of
his face that I couldn’t comfort him, even though he was rubbing his face in an
attempt to stop the stinging. The image of Dad being there and suddenly in a
flowerbed as sleeping beauty had me killing myself laughing. I just couldn’t
stop.

So much so that after Dad had got up, dusted himself off and looked at me
with an expression of ‘it’s not funny’, I fell into the nettles myself.

Face first.

I suppose we looked horrifying as we walked back through the hotel.
Indeed, with white spots all over our arms and faces one would presume we were
hosting some awful disease. My lasting memory of the incident was my little
sister shrieking as she opened the door.

I’ll
say it again – beware of nettles.

So…that wasn’t brilliant. Apologies, I’m
overrun with work at the moment and it’s funny when you’re there.

Q. How do you know if someone's a pureblood?
A. Don't worry, they'll tell you.

Pinocchio's advice to Voldemort:
Voldemort: So...I just have to lie?
Pinocchio: Yup!

(you get it - the nose?)

-Dean McCormick

Rowena Ravenclaw, the beauty that leads Ravenclaw in their hopes and dreams. Rowena was said to be born in Scotland of the tenth century. There is no information on if she was born a Ravenclaw or married into it. Rowena came in possession of wand and it is said she received it from Ollivanders. Or maybe she made it herself. It is quite unknown also.

Rowena became great friends with Helga Hufflepuff, Salazar Slytherin, and Godric Gryffindor. Together they came up with and founded Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, around  993. It is said the name and the location was chosen by Rowena. 

r

Rowena selected her students by intelligence and  wisdom. Sometime during this she gave birth to a girl. Her daughter's name was Helena. Helena was taught at Hogwarts by her mother at one point. After Helena graduated from Hogwarts she had stolen her mother's diadem. Which was to enhance the wisdom of the person who wore the diadem.

Ashamed of her daughter for taking the diadem, she didn't tell a soul. Not even Helga, Salazar, or Godric. Keeping it to herself, to hide the shame. 

After this Rowena fell ill. She asked Baron who loved Helena to go find her and bring her back to Rowena. When Helena refused to go with Baron to see her mother one last time he grew in a fit of rage and anger be-struck him and he stabbed her. With the overwhelming guilt he took his very own life. 

Both becoming respectively house ghosts later on in life. Rowena never got to say good bye to her daughter. And it is said that she died sooner because of a broken heart.  

Written by Maria Fell, citation to Harry Potter Wiki 

-‘Ask Me’ – Answers to Your Problems and Advice From the ‘Agony Aunt’-

Anonymous One:

This is an odd one, but I am oftentimes called a freak at school. I stay behind the scenes, but it's getting harder. I'm introverted, and I can have a breakdown any time. I don't like it, and I don't have any friends because of it except for my HiH friends. Help!

Answer:

Dear Anonymous One,

I think very few people are extroverts, and actually the best people are introverts. Just because you’re quiet doesn’t mean you won’t ever have any friends or be noticed. It takes time to find your place as an introvert but people will soon realise you’re nicer than the loud extroverts who are often pushy and annoying.

Just because you’re called a freak doesn’t mean that you are one – people love to label different individuals often because of their own insecurity. But in fact, being different is the best armour you can have in the system of today, and different people are usually the ones who go far and survive this modern day society much better than the pack animals.

When looking for friends like yourself, look around and see who else is staying outside the groups and quietly observing. Schools have their own ‘packs’ of students, and if you form a group of your own then you’re much less likely to get picked on.

But also, don’t just think about school! Look in clubs outside of your education centre and try and find other things that you share. Sometimes it takes a lot of courage to try something new to find a companion, but it’s always worth it in the end.

-The Agony Aunt

Anonymous Two:

My parents and my family are moving due to a huge amount of health issues. I have some also but I don't want to move. I do but I don't see my problem? I would love to know how to stop feeling like this.

Answer:

Dear Anonymous Two,

Moving is hard for everyone, especially away from a family home, but in these matters you just have to trust your parents and focus on your family rather than on what you’re going to lose when moving. Think how they and you will benefit, not about what you will lose. There isn’t really any cure for the feeling, but you just have to keep going and keep talking to people; your family, your friends on HiH.

I moved recently and was very unhappy for a year as we moved 400 miles away from where I’d lived all my life. But by turning to my family for support, I began to enjoy it there. Sometimes if you don’t have friends in a new place your family can be the best remedy. Don’t dwell on what you left behind and see it as a new chapter in your life.

-Agony Aunt

-Harry Potter Scene-

Lockhart in Class

Guess the Second Generation Character

(Send answer in Google form-link below)

Link to form here: LINK

-Lilia Le Fay

Typo:

QUIZ OF THE ISSUE

by Lilia Le Fay

Below is a link to a fun harry potter quiz for this issue, this time round themed on Harry Potter Families of the two most recent generations (I haven't had time to do a new one for this issue, so the one from the last issue is being used. There weren't many attempts anyway). Link is here: 

www.proprofs.com/quiz-school/story.php?title=mtmzmdiznahaf7

That's all for this Issue's entertainment section! Read next time for more amusing presentations!