Funny Play We Wrote
written by Morgana Hopkirk
It's pretty great, you'll see
Last Updated
05/31/21
Chapters
1
Reads
285
Act 1, Scene 1
Chapter 1
(Three pirates enter center stage. Billy stands uncomfortably close to BEARDBEARD, slightly behind him, and PETE stands off to the side)
CAPTAIN BEARDBEARD: alrighty, boys- (notices Billy) Billy, Git Yerself Away if ye don’t want yerself a good lashin’!
(He pushes Billy away.)
PETE: (timidly) Oh, be nice to him!
CAPTAIN BEARDBEARD: OH HUSH UP PETE!
PETE: (still timidly) Methinks you’re yelling too!
CAPTAIN BEARDBEARD: DON’T YOU CORRECT ME If YE VALUE YER FREEDOM! IF Ye don’t shut yerrrRRRRrrrr mouth, you’ll spend a day In the Tickle-chamberRRR!
PETE: No, no, please, cap’n. Methinks I’ll just continue swabbin’ the deck here.
BILLY: *Whimper*
CAPTAIN BEARDBEARD: shut up PETE. And STOP whining Billy.
Billy: (slurred) yessir. Sorry, Captain BEARDBEARD
CAPTAIN BEARDBEARD: aye. Well, boys, I reckon it’s time we get ‘round to pillaging an’ such, don’t ye?
PETE: AYE!
BILLY: *Burps*
CAPTAIN BEARDBEARD: Right, then. Commence the sea-shanty that we may begin our voyage!
(BEARDBEARD and PETE begin singing the theme from Pirates of the Caribbean very poorly -- offbeat, off tune, and just generally terrible as Billy passes out in drunkenness. After a few seconds, he wakes up and begins shouting the theme from Jake and the Neverland Pirates.)
(Pirates stare at Billy)
BEARDBEARD: We be singin´ Pirates OF THE CARIBBEAN!
BILLy: Hrrrm- A pirate's life for me?
BEARDBEARD: No! Do the other one.
BILLY: *slurs something that sounds like ‘alright’*
BEARDBEARD: *sighs* Alright, begin again.
(They continue to sing Pirates of the Caribbean for ~5-10 seconds)
PETE: (perks up, having spotted land) Land ‘ho!
(a crash sound effect as they land, a woman walks on stage)
BILLY: (slurring) LOok! A bEaUtiFuL mAiDeN, wAlKiNg AloNe In tHe dEaD oF nIgHT!
BEARDBEARD: (menacingly, as though suggesting something terrible) Remember, boys, what’s the first rule of piratism?
PETE and Billy in unison: Always respect women!
BEARDBEARD: (with a complete change of tone) Right! So we have to steal from her, respectfully.
PETE and Billy: Aye!
(they unboard the ship and “sneak attack” the woman holding a leather money pouch, with various “ARghhh’s” and other pirate exclamations. The woman turns in surprise)
Captain BEARDBEARD: Argh, you are being stolen from by cap´n BEARDBEARD and his fine crew! Respectfully.
(BEARDBEARD grabs the pouch)
Captain BEARDBEARD: Yer money now belongs to the Snicker-Doodle Pirates!
(The woman [WENDY] gasps in surprise momentarily, but then registers the ridiculous name and realizes they’re serious)
WENDY: (with a british accent) *stifles chuckle* Y- your name is “The Snicker Doodle Pirates”?
PETE: well, it’s pretty menacing, eh?
WENDY: … No. Not at all.
PETE: with all due respect, methinks it’s pretty cool.
WENDY: (turns to BEARDBEARD) At least you look like a proper pirate!
How can you stand that name?
BEARDBEARD: *Sighs* Aye, We held a democratic meeting and that’s the name these IDJITs decided on.
Billy: (whispers) Me was hungry that day.
WENDY: Well do you at least have pirate names?
BeardBeard: AYE. Me be CAP'n BEARDBEARD. This be PETE. (Points to PETE, PETE waves stupidly). And this is Billy. (points to Billy).
WENDY: Billy and PETE? Alright I guess that's fine. Do you have a parrot?
(All pirates gasp.)
BEARDBEARD: We do not speak of Mr. Squakadoodle… the third
Billy: (pulls out a roasted chicken) All we have now is…. Mr. Perry the Platychicken
WENDY: (weirded out but playing along) ...My condolences
BEARDBEARD: Thank yer
PETE: Well what's your name, lady woman girl?
WENDY: My name is WENDY, and I’ll be taking my purse back, thank you.
(She takes the bag back, to the bewilderment of the pirates)
BEARDBEARD: wh- You’re not su’possed to do that! That’s ours! We stole it!
(PETE and BILLY exchange confused looks)
WENDY: and I stole it back.
(she begins to walk offstage, and Billy and PETE go to restrain her. They start to grab her--)
BEARDBEARD: BOYS! Remember the Second rule of piratism!
BILLY and PETE: (look down at their feet dejectedly) Never lay your hands on an innocent person without direct, explicit consent.
BEARDBEARD: Aye! So ask permission first.
BILLY: (to WENDY) May we stop you from walking off, miss? please?
WENDY: (looks at them with pity) *sighs* you guys aren’t very good pirates, are you?
PETE: What do you mean? We’re named after a cookie, so at least we’re scary.
WENDY: (looks generally confused) here, let me show you.
(She grabs PETE’s sword and swings it in his general direction)
WENDY: (In a pirate accent) Argh! Gimme all yer money if ye want to see another day!
PETE: yB- but you didn’t say please!
WENDY: That’s right! So if ye don’t give me yer money, your head will come off!
BILLY: Would ye really do that?
WENDY: (Aims sword at him) Try me.
BEARDBEARD: Wow! She´s good.
WENDY: ARGH! DON'T YE SPEAK WITHOUT BEING SPOKEN TO, YA LOUSY OLD GIT!
(Spits on ground)
PETE: Hey!!! That’s not sanitary!
BeardBeard: (looking at ground) yes, Ma’am. Sorry, Ma’am.
WENDY: Now, I recall asking for yer money! All of Ye!
BILLY: Here, take me gold. Please leave me, be, devil woman!
(Gives her a bag of pirate booty)
WENDY: ( Looks at the pirate booty confused) IS THIS SOME KIND OF JOKE? BECAUSE I AIN'T LAUGHIN’!
BILLY:(Scared out of his mind) No. No trick ma’am. This be the best me got.
WENDY: (Walks where Pete is standing, Billy is in her walkway) MOVE! NOW!
BILLY: *yelps* (runs out of the way and clings to Beardbeard)
BEARDBEARD: (Pushes BILLY off of him)
Wendy: GET OUT OF ME WAY!
(she pushes BeardBeard away as she moves toward the pirate ship)
Pete: B- But -- that’s our ship! The The Jolly Doofenshmirtz!
Wendy: It’s mine now.
(She starts sailing away as the men sit there, helpless. The Pirates of the Caribbean theme song plays, for real this time)
WENDY: (as she sails off, leaving the pirates on the shore) BYE SUCKERS! MWAHAHA! (Continues to laugh)
BeardBeard: Wh- aw, how come she gets real music?
Pete: (looks around, confused) Where is it comin from?
Billy: Well I reck’n we learnt somethin today.
Pete: Yep.
All in unison: Always fear women. (Walk off)
THE END!
CAPTAIN BEARDBEARD: alrighty, boys- (notices Billy) Billy, Git Yerself Away if ye don’t want yerself a good lashin’!
(He pushes Billy away.)
PETE: (timidly) Oh, be nice to him!
CAPTAIN BEARDBEARD: OH HUSH UP PETE!
PETE: (still timidly) Methinks you’re yelling too!
CAPTAIN BEARDBEARD: DON’T YOU CORRECT ME If YE VALUE YER FREEDOM! IF Ye don’t shut yerrrRRRRrrrr mouth, you’ll spend a day In the Tickle-chamberRRR!
PETE: No, no, please, cap’n. Methinks I’ll just continue swabbin’ the deck here.
BILLY: *Whimper*
CAPTAIN BEARDBEARD: shut up PETE. And STOP whining Billy.
Billy: (slurred) yessir. Sorry, Captain BEARDBEARD
CAPTAIN BEARDBEARD: aye. Well, boys, I reckon it’s time we get ‘round to pillaging an’ such, don’t ye?
PETE: AYE!
BILLY: *Burps*
CAPTAIN BEARDBEARD: Right, then. Commence the sea-shanty that we may begin our voyage!
(BEARDBEARD and PETE begin singing the theme from Pirates of the Caribbean very poorly -- offbeat, off tune, and just generally terrible as Billy passes out in drunkenness. After a few seconds, he wakes up and begins shouting the theme from Jake and the Neverland Pirates.)
(Pirates stare at Billy)
BEARDBEARD: We be singin´ Pirates OF THE CARIBBEAN!
BILLy: Hrrrm- A pirate's life for me?
BEARDBEARD: No! Do the other one.
BILLY: *slurs something that sounds like ‘alright’*
BEARDBEARD: *sighs* Alright, begin again.
(They continue to sing Pirates of the Caribbean for ~5-10 seconds)
PETE: (perks up, having spotted land) Land ‘ho!
(a crash sound effect as they land, a woman walks on stage)
BILLY: (slurring) LOok! A bEaUtiFuL mAiDeN, wAlKiNg AloNe In tHe dEaD oF nIgHT!
BEARDBEARD: (menacingly, as though suggesting something terrible) Remember, boys, what’s the first rule of piratism?
PETE and Billy in unison: Always respect women!
BEARDBEARD: (with a complete change of tone) Right! So we have to steal from her, respectfully.
PETE and Billy: Aye!
(they unboard the ship and “sneak attack” the woman holding a leather money pouch, with various “ARghhh’s” and other pirate exclamations. The woman turns in surprise)
Captain BEARDBEARD: Argh, you are being stolen from by cap´n BEARDBEARD and his fine crew! Respectfully.
(BEARDBEARD grabs the pouch)
Captain BEARDBEARD: Yer money now belongs to the Snicker-Doodle Pirates!
(The woman [WENDY] gasps in surprise momentarily, but then registers the ridiculous name and realizes they’re serious)
WENDY: (with a british accent) *stifles chuckle* Y- your name is “The Snicker Doodle Pirates”?
PETE: well, it’s pretty menacing, eh?
WENDY: … No. Not at all.
PETE: with all due respect, methinks it’s pretty cool.
WENDY: (turns to BEARDBEARD) At least you look like a proper pirate!
How can you stand that name?
BEARDBEARD: *Sighs* Aye, We held a democratic meeting and that’s the name these IDJITs decided on.
Billy: (whispers) Me was hungry that day.
WENDY: Well do you at least have pirate names?
BeardBeard: AYE. Me be CAP'n BEARDBEARD. This be PETE. (Points to PETE, PETE waves stupidly). And this is Billy. (points to Billy).
WENDY: Billy and PETE? Alright I guess that's fine. Do you have a parrot?
(All pirates gasp.)
BEARDBEARD: We do not speak of Mr. Squakadoodle… the third
Billy: (pulls out a roasted chicken) All we have now is…. Mr. Perry the Platychicken
WENDY: (weirded out but playing along) ...My condolences
BEARDBEARD: Thank yer
PETE: Well what's your name, lady woman girl?
WENDY: My name is WENDY, and I’ll be taking my purse back, thank you.
(She takes the bag back, to the bewilderment of the pirates)
BEARDBEARD: wh- You’re not su’possed to do that! That’s ours! We stole it!
(PETE and BILLY exchange confused looks)
WENDY: and I stole it back.
(she begins to walk offstage, and Billy and PETE go to restrain her. They start to grab her--)
BEARDBEARD: BOYS! Remember the Second rule of piratism!
BILLY and PETE: (look down at their feet dejectedly) Never lay your hands on an innocent person without direct, explicit consent.
BEARDBEARD: Aye! So ask permission first.
BILLY: (to WENDY) May we stop you from walking off, miss? please?
WENDY: (looks at them with pity) *sighs* you guys aren’t very good pirates, are you?
PETE: What do you mean? We’re named after a cookie, so at least we’re scary.
WENDY: (looks generally confused) here, let me show you.
(She grabs PETE’s sword and swings it in his general direction)
WENDY: (In a pirate accent) Argh! Gimme all yer money if ye want to see another day!
PETE: yB- but you didn’t say please!
WENDY: That’s right! So if ye don’t give me yer money, your head will come off!
BILLY: Would ye really do that?
WENDY: (Aims sword at him) Try me.
BEARDBEARD: Wow! She´s good.
WENDY: ARGH! DON'T YE SPEAK WITHOUT BEING SPOKEN TO, YA LOUSY OLD GIT!
(Spits on ground)
PETE: Hey!!! That’s not sanitary!
BeardBeard: (looking at ground) yes, Ma’am. Sorry, Ma’am.
WENDY: Now, I recall asking for yer money! All of Ye!
BILLY: Here, take me gold. Please leave me, be, devil woman!
(Gives her a bag of pirate booty)
WENDY: ( Looks at the pirate booty confused) IS THIS SOME KIND OF JOKE? BECAUSE I AIN'T LAUGHIN’!
BILLY:(Scared out of his mind) No. No trick ma’am. This be the best me got.
WENDY: (Walks where Pete is standing, Billy is in her walkway) MOVE! NOW!
BILLY: *yelps* (runs out of the way and clings to Beardbeard)
BEARDBEARD: (Pushes BILLY off of him)
Wendy: GET OUT OF ME WAY!
(she pushes BeardBeard away as she moves toward the pirate ship)
Pete: B- But -- that’s our ship! The The Jolly Doofenshmirtz!
Wendy: It’s mine now.
(She starts sailing away as the men sit there, helpless. The Pirates of the Caribbean theme song plays, for real this time)
WENDY: (as she sails off, leaving the pirates on the shore) BYE SUCKERS! MWAHAHA! (Continues to laugh)
BeardBeard: Wh- aw, how come she gets real music?
Pete: (looks around, confused) Where is it comin from?
Billy: Well I reck’n we learnt somethin today.
Pete: Yep.
All in unison: Always fear women. (Walk off)
THE END!
