Trust me this is funny
written by Morgana Hopkirk
just trust me
Last Updated
05/31/21
Chapters
2
Reads
438
The Beginning
Chapter 1
Act I
Scene I
(Three pirates enter center stage. Billy stands uncomfortably close to BeardBeard, slightly behind him, and Pete stands off to the side)
BeardBeard: alrighty, boys- (notices billy) BILLY, Git Yerself Away if ye don’t want yerself a good lashin’!
(Pushes Billy away.)
Pete: (timidly) Oh, be nice to him!
BeardBeard backs away.
Captain BeardBeard: OH HUSH UP PETE!
Pete: (still timidly) Methinks... you’re yelling too!
Captain BeardBeard: DON’T YOU CORRECT ME If YE VALUE YER FREEDOM! IF Ye don’t shut yerrrRRRRrrrr mouth, you’ll spend a day In the Tickle-chamberRRR!
Pete: No, no, please, cap’n. Methinks I’ll just continue swabbin’ the deck here.
Billy: *Whimper*
Captain BeardBeard: OH, shut up Pete. And STOP whining Billy.
Billy: (slurred) yessir. Sorry, Captain BeardBeard
Captain BeardBeard: aye. Well, boys, I reckon it’s time we get ‘round to pillaging an’ such, don’t ye?
Pete: AYE!
Billy: *Burps*
BeardBeard: Right, then. Commence the sea-shanty that we may begin our voyage!
(BeardBeard and Pete begin singing the theme from Pirates of the Caribbean very poorly -- offbeat, off tune, and just generally terrible as Billy passes out in drunkenness. After a few seconds, he wakes up and begins shouting the theme from Jake and the neverland pirates.)
(Pirates stare at Billy)
Beardbeard: We be singin´ Pirates OF THE CARIBBEAN!
Billy: Hrrrn- A pirate's life for me?
Beardbeard: No! Do the other one.
Billy: *slurs something that sounds like ‘alright’*
BeardBeard: *sighs* Arright, begin again.
(They continue to sing Pirates of the Caribbean for ~5-10 seconds)
Pete: (perks up, having spotted land) Land ‘ho!
(a crash sound effect as they land, a woman walks on stage)
Billy: (slurring) LOok! A bEaUtiFuL mAiDeN, wAlKiNg AloNe In tHe dEaD oF nIgHT!
BeardBeard: (menacingly, as though suggesting something terrible) Remember, boys, what’s the first rule of piratism?
Pete and Billy in unison: Always respect women!
BeardBeard: (with a complete change of tone) Right! So we have to steal from her, respectfully.
Pete and Billy: Aye!
(they unboard the ship and “sneak attack” the woman holding a leather money pouch, with various “ARghhh’s” and other pirate exclamations. The woman turns in surprise)
Captain Beardbeard: Argh, you are being stolen from by cap´n Beardbeard and his fine crew! Respectfully.
(BeardBeard grabs the pouch)
Captain BeardBeard: Yer money now belongs to the Snicker-Doodle Pirates!
(The woman [wendy] gasps in surprise momentarily, but then registers the ridiculous name and realizes they’re serious)
Wendy: (with a british accent) *stifles chuckle* Y- your name is “The Snicker Doodle Pirates”?
Pete: well, it’s pretty menacing, eh?
Wendy: … No. Not at all.
Pete: with all due respect, methinks it’s pretty cool.
Wendy: (turns to Beardbeard) At least you look like a proper pirate!
How can you stand that name?
BeardBeard: *Sighs* Aye, We held a democratic meeting and that’s the name these idjits decided on.
Billy: (whispers) Me was hungry that day.
Wendy: Well do you at least have pirate names?
Beard Beard: AYE. Me be CAP'n Beardbeard. This be Pete. (Points to Pete, Pete waves stupidly). And this is Billy. (points to Billy).
Wendy: Billy and Pete? Alright I guess that's fine. Do you have a parrot?
(All pirates gasp.)
BeardBeard: We do not speak of Mr. Squakadoodle… the third
Billy: (pulls out a roasted chicken) All we have now is…. Mr. Perry the Platychicken
Wendy: (weirded out but playing along) ...My condolences
Scene I
(Three pirates enter center stage. Billy stands uncomfortably close to BeardBeard, slightly behind him, and Pete stands off to the side)
BeardBeard: alrighty, boys- (notices billy) BILLY, Git Yerself Away if ye don’t want yerself a good lashin’!
(Pushes Billy away.)
Pete: (timidly) Oh, be nice to him!
BeardBeard backs away.
Captain BeardBeard: OH HUSH UP PETE!
Pete: (still timidly) Methinks... you’re yelling too!
Captain BeardBeard: DON’T YOU CORRECT ME If YE VALUE YER FREEDOM! IF Ye don’t shut yerrrRRRRrrrr mouth, you’ll spend a day In the Tickle-chamberRRR!
Pete: No, no, please, cap’n. Methinks I’ll just continue swabbin’ the deck here.
Billy: *Whimper*
Captain BeardBeard: OH, shut up Pete. And STOP whining Billy.
Billy: (slurred) yessir. Sorry, Captain BeardBeard
Captain BeardBeard: aye. Well, boys, I reckon it’s time we get ‘round to pillaging an’ such, don’t ye?
Pete: AYE!
Billy: *Burps*
BeardBeard: Right, then. Commence the sea-shanty that we may begin our voyage!
(BeardBeard and Pete begin singing the theme from Pirates of the Caribbean very poorly -- offbeat, off tune, and just generally terrible as Billy passes out in drunkenness. After a few seconds, he wakes up and begins shouting the theme from Jake and the neverland pirates.)
(Pirates stare at Billy)
Beardbeard: We be singin´ Pirates OF THE CARIBBEAN!
Billy: Hrrrn- A pirate's life for me?
Beardbeard: No! Do the other one.
Billy: *slurs something that sounds like ‘alright’*
BeardBeard: *sighs* Arright, begin again.
(They continue to sing Pirates of the Caribbean for ~5-10 seconds)
Pete: (perks up, having spotted land) Land ‘ho!
(a crash sound effect as they land, a woman walks on stage)
Billy: (slurring) LOok! A bEaUtiFuL mAiDeN, wAlKiNg AloNe In tHe dEaD oF nIgHT!
BeardBeard: (menacingly, as though suggesting something terrible) Remember, boys, what’s the first rule of piratism?
Pete and Billy in unison: Always respect women!
BeardBeard: (with a complete change of tone) Right! So we have to steal from her, respectfully.
Pete and Billy: Aye!
(they unboard the ship and “sneak attack” the woman holding a leather money pouch, with various “ARghhh’s” and other pirate exclamations. The woman turns in surprise)
Captain Beardbeard: Argh, you are being stolen from by cap´n Beardbeard and his fine crew! Respectfully.
(BeardBeard grabs the pouch)
Captain BeardBeard: Yer money now belongs to the Snicker-Doodle Pirates!
(The woman [wendy] gasps in surprise momentarily, but then registers the ridiculous name and realizes they’re serious)
Wendy: (with a british accent) *stifles chuckle* Y- your name is “The Snicker Doodle Pirates”?
Pete: well, it’s pretty menacing, eh?
Wendy: … No. Not at all.
Pete: with all due respect, methinks it’s pretty cool.
Wendy: (turns to Beardbeard) At least you look like a proper pirate!
How can you stand that name?
BeardBeard: *Sighs* Aye, We held a democratic meeting and that’s the name these idjits decided on.
Billy: (whispers) Me was hungry that day.
Wendy: Well do you at least have pirate names?
Beard Beard: AYE. Me be CAP'n Beardbeard. This be Pete. (Points to Pete, Pete waves stupidly). And this is Billy. (points to Billy).
Wendy: Billy and Pete? Alright I guess that's fine. Do you have a parrot?
(All pirates gasp.)
BeardBeard: We do not speak of Mr. Squakadoodle… the third
Billy: (pulls out a roasted chicken) All we have now is…. Mr. Perry the Platychicken
Wendy: (weirded out but playing along) ...My condolences
