Friends: A Slytherins Guide To Bribery, Extortion, And Exploitation

This life-changing book will take you through: the simplest and quickest means to obtain friends; the ways in which said friends can be used to your advantage; and the proper way to cash in on the investment you have made in these companionships.

*Please note that this book is the work of a true Slytherin, though editing was outsourced to a Ravenclaw. As one does.

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Chapter 4

Extortion: Using your tools wisely


Extortion is a fantastic method for maintaining control of the friends you amass and encouraging other peers to join your already growing friendship list while letting anyone with a brain know exactly what you are about. However, the use of threats to control people must include an important element: the means to back up your threats. If you are not particularly physically fit or your appearance lacks that “intimidation factor”, then any extortion methods you use threatening violence on your own will ring hollow. Even if you are a strongly built individual, why run the risk of losing a fight and getting hurt? Use other tools to achieve a threatening status for yourself, namely: your wealth, status, and previously obtained allies.

If you have the wealth, use it wisely. A rich man doesn't remain a rich man by bribing every single person he sees; you need to get the most bang for your buck! Once you have accomplished the feat proposed in chapter three -- buying a friend -- you can use that resource to leverage more contacts. If you offer a salary to a larger, tougher ally, then they can make a very impressive display looming behind you when you make your threats to meek targets. When you need to persuade a group of people, consider buying two burly friends (i.e.: goons) to help make your case. The best part about this process is that once you demonstrate your power a few times all you need is reputation. 1 This helps to keep the price of goons down and your influence steady. With the introduction of competition, however, this model requires more maintenance than your money is worth. To remedy such a situation, see the blackmail section below.

Extortion can be very straightforward and useful when you need something done immediately. If you need a new friend to provide inside information from a rival House, then intimidation can be your best bet. If some lesser wizard takes the last pumpkin tart at dinner, a small threat can be the best way to help your new friend see that it's best he relinquish it to you.



We can't talk about extortion, however, without speaking a little on the subcategory of blackmail. Blackmail does not require any goons or a show of force -- it can be accomplished quite easily for the average slinking, cunning Slytherin, and usually has longer lasting results. Keep your eyes open within the halls of your school and your wand ready2 as this is the best time to gain blackmail information from your fellow students. At this age adolescents are far less vigilant than adults, less learned, and also less conservative in their actions.

A friend obtained through extortion will probably not remain a friend outside the halls of Hogwarts. However, if you have truly damaging information on another person or their family, your power over them can extend into adulthood. This is especially useful in the political sphere.


1 Use with caution when your goals are political. As previously stated, make sure you cover your tracks and have a solid back-up plan to maintain a politically acceptable image. It’s one thing to have the wizarding community to suspect you and your family are aiding and abetting criminal activity and quite another to have them see it en masse. There’s nothing wrong with hiding your clandestine activities until you have enough power and sway to protect your quivering, sniveling self absolutely. See Chapter Five for more info.

2 Do not underestimate the power of the simple charms and spells you try to learn in school! While some of these may be easily protected against when used to learn sensitive information about others, when used creatively they can easily slip through the most elaborate defenses. How else could that whiney dolt Harry Potter have survived against the most powerful wizard in the world time and time again?

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